Golf Jokes

Published 12/11/2008 12:11:24

Are you a tiresome loser that passes off old jokes as your own? Then you'll love our selection of golf jokes. Use them on the course, text people or forward them on. Everyone loves a bad golf joke.


What's the best thing about golf?

You can spend your Sunday with a gang of hookers and your wife won't mind.

Why should you always carry two pairs of trousers when playing golf?

In case you get a hole in one.

What's the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?

A guy will spend five minutes looking for a lost ball.

What do golf and sex have in common?

They are two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at them.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?


What's the difference between a Skoda and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

What do you need to shoot these days to win a pro golf tournament?

Tiger Woods

Why do the ladies love Greg Norman?

He always comes second.

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn!" ... A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn!" ... WHACK.


The Setup


1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Maintain a loose grip at all times.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a fast backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you're taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Keep quiet whilst others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take needless extra strokes.

Now you're finished, flush the toilet, wash your hands and get ready to tee off.

Golfer's Wife


After a truly terrible round of golf, a married man sullenly makes his way home. He knocks on the door and is greeted by his wife. Without warning, he punches her squarely on the nose.

Sobbing, blood streaming, she asks "Why did you do that?"

"Well I've hit everything else fat today"

Windscreen Wiper


A group of golfers line up at the 10th after a pretty ordinary round. Jack hits a gigantic drive that hooks badly out of the course and into the car park and smashes a windscreen. Not wanting to get banned, the golfers carry on hoping no-one noticed.

When they approach the 18th a policeman approaches, "Did any of you hook the ball out on the 10th?". Jack begrudingly admits to his crime.

"Well, the ball went clean through the windscreen, the shock caused the 82 year old driver to have a heart attack"

"Sorry officer, what should I do?"

"Well try opening your stance a little"

The Caddy


Interviewing for a new caddy, the golfer introduces himself and beings asking questions.

"I need a caddy who can count and keep my score properly. So what's 5 and 4 and 3 add up to?"

"10" replies the caddy.

"You're hired!"

Wife Beater


"Did you hear I got fined $100 for hitting my wife with a 3-wood?"

"For ungentlemanly conduct?"

"No, for using the wrong club - they recommend a 9-iron."



1.  Great golf jokes - will be forwarding some of these on!!

comment by Dave Jones - 07/04/2009 09:25

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